GUILT & WORRY, another little lesson Addison has taught me in my transition into motherhood. I confess I have become a worrier & am often pained with guilt. It started the moment I found out I was pregnant. I think partially because I never thought I'd actually ever become pregnant. I worried about EVERY little thing during my pregnancy, "did I eat enough fruits/vegetables during the day", "was I exercising too much", "should I have had that 2nd cup of coffee", "what if______ causes Addison____"...I constantly worried how my actions would impact my future child, almost irrationally. With that came guilt. I felt guilty if I fell asleep early in the evening if I hadn't seen Philip all day or if I didn't give Hampton enough attention. I felt guilty if I did or didn't do something. I was really never a worrier before finding out I was pregnant. Sure I worried about little things occasionally but I wasn't plagued with it. It was easy for me to have a "don't sweat the small stuff mentality". It's almost like guilt/worry are part of your maternal instinct. When you develop this insane love, it's like the guilt/worry is a reflection of just how much you love this little tiny person.
Since Addison has been born it hasn't gotten any better, in fact, it's only intensified. I think it's absolutely absurd to tell a parent, especially a mother, "not to worry" when it comes to her child/children. It's par for the course. You are responsible for this fragile little life...that's a lot of responsibility. I do think letting it consume you is dangerous though.
In the beginning I worried "was she getting enough to eat", "is the temperature okay for her", "was she pooping/peeing like she was supposed to". Now that those things don't occupy much space in my mind anymore, I worry when I am away from her. "Is she being good for Philip", "did I leave enough milk", "did I pull her pajamas". I feel guilty if we are out & about & she doesn't get a good nap or when I go to a spin class. It's cyclical too. Usually the worry causes a feeling of guilt...worrying over something that hasn't even happened & already feeling bad about it! How come nobody told me this comes with role of mom?? Or am I just completely crazy?!?
This was all spawned with my worry over Addison's appointment yesterday. I worked myself into tears before leaving the house, worried that her appointment was going to interfere with her nap which would only precipitate the projected problems she was going to have from her vaccines. Which neither happened. She was & is fine...she is GREAT.
I came across a quote by an unknown author (or at least I couldn't find who it was by) that says:
"worrying does not take away tomorrow's troubles; it takes away today's peace."
I am going to challenge myself with that because I do not want to continue on with this dance of guilt & worry, and not just regarding Addison...but in all areas of my life. I love & serve a God who loves me & graciously gives peace & commands us not to worry. It's an anxiety driven response that causes us to lose focus on the present moment...these precious moments that we never get back. Like I said in the beginning, I think it's maternal & you can't help but worry to some extent as a parent but I think it's important to not let it interfere with your ability to live in the present & enjoy the day for what it is.
It was lovely to see you & the baby today
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