life is good

my mantra the next couple of days is: life is good...God is in control.

i had a doctor's appointment yesterday & although Dr. Grey didn't say "you are in labor, go to L&D" like i secretly hoped she would, she was extremely encouraging & definitely boosted my mood. the entire appointment was positive. i went from 1 cm to 2 cm since my last visit, not a ton of progress but any progress is good.  obviously there were no changes in effacement because i am already 100% & addison is still comfy at 0 station.  she stripped my membranes, after telling me she was the best at it, "they don't call me the stripper for nothing". she also said that usually people who benefit from it are women who's body's & babies are ready. she said there isn't any way to predict when i will go into labor but i have read that most people go into labor within 48 hours.  while we are still optimistic that induction won't be necessary, she got us on the books for THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 8TH.  i opted not to go back to get checked on Friday of this week so if i haven't had addison by then, my next doctor's appointment is Tuesday September 6th...really really really hopeful addison will be here before that. i have had the most intense contractions i've ever had since she did it & have seen some other changes so i am hoping those are positive signs. 

 my belly has changed quite a bit over the last 2 weeks. philip wasn't around to take any pictures yesterday so i tried my best to get a few decent 40 week 1 day belly shots using my iphone & bathroom mirror. 

 
i am waiting to do my 40 week journal post to addison until i am at the end of 40 weeks, as i am hopeful she will be here soon. 




okay, so now i have to vent.....


i feel gargantuan & have developed a slight waddle because of the pressure from addison's head. needless to say, i am not feeling very "cute" pregnant anymore. clearly i am emotional because the reason that i feel like a walrus is because i am still pregnant & i want my sweet baby girl to be in my arms, not my belly. 
i actually had a male from my church point his finger & laugh at me on sunday evening while making a comment to people around him about how "big" i am. it took everything inside of me not to respond, i just smiled & acknowledged that i heard what he said & intentionally waddled to my seat. 


i sort of feel trapped because everywhere i go, i run into people that know me & know my due date was monday. apparently people feel like it is necessary to tell me, as if i don't already know, that i am still pregnant.  "you still haven't had that baby yet?", "when are you going to pop that baby out", "when is she coming?", "when are they inducing you"...i just smile & say not sure when i really want to say "does it look like i had the baby? why don't you ask her when she is coming because i would also like to know." 

i am also finding that people are getting some type of amusement in the fact that i am a couple days past my due date & despite knowing how uncomfortable i am physically they say "you are probably going to be 10 days late." "they must have had your due date wrong."  UM HELLO PEOPLE, WE DID IUI. I AM PRETTY SURE I KNOW WHICH DAY THE NURSE INSEMINATED ME! 

then there is everyone else, even complete strangers, that want to tell me how to induce my own labor...oy vey!?!? 

there is women at our church who i completely adore & know i can go to about anything because she is truly a women of God. she is somebody whose advice is welcomed & sought after. i know when i talk to her it's in complete confidence & trust her with anything. she doesn't speak to hear herself talk, she speaks out of wisdom & direction from God. what a prayer warrior she is...when she says she will pray for you...she PRAYS for you. she prayed us through the battle with infertility, through this pregnancy & i have no doubt that she is praying for us now.  for the past 24 hours i have heard her soft voice of wisdom & love in my head telling me "God didn't give us a spirit of fear...", "be anxious for nothing...", "the Lord is my Shepard...", "God has a plan, he is in control" 

passing time

i was up all night last night tossing & turning. despite little sleep i was bright eyed & rearing to go at 5:30 this morning. so i did what any logical person would do when everyone else in the house, including the dog, is snoring...i got on my hands & knees & scrubbed my floors on the 1st floor. i finished it off my scrubbing my baseboards with a toothbrush...all before 7:30 this morning. at 6:30 i realized how ridiculous what i was doing was, especially because i was scheduled to work 11am-7pm & had a mini-breakdown. i scheduled myself mon-tues-wed this week "just in case" to keep myself busy. well, there is no way i was going to be productive at work. the pressure is bad enough. i am totally losing it!

philip & i decided it was time for me to start my maternity leave. 

i called & talked to one of the team leaders at work & they were totally understanding. by 8:45 i was crying again, telling philip that i am going to go crazy just waiting & contemplated calling them back & working. philip convinced me that wasn't a good idea & said i just need to relax. soooo i went on pinterest & picked out some DIY stuff i'd like to do this week.  

after my prenatal massage today i am on a mission to find all the stuff i need to keep myself occupied & maintain some sanity.


even though it's only 10:30 & there is still 13.5 hours left of the day, i doubt today is the day i will meet my daughter but there is still hope. 

let the nay-saying & "i told you so's" begin...

hurricane irene

i not so creatively substituted IRENE for Elieen to dexy's midnight runner's song & have walked around the past 4 days singing "come on Irene". while everyone else around me was panicking because of the storm, i was crossing my fingers that it would bring in enough low pressure to send me into labor.  another weather theory failure.

my spin class was canceled this morning & it's too dangerous to run in this wind/rain so philip & i walked the mall.  we wandered aimlessly from store to store until we were bored. we of course picked up a few adorable things for addison to wear in the fall & some gourmet doggie treats for hampton.  

we also made a stop by the cupcake shoppe & shared a yummy lemon drop cupcake...i love the atmosphere of that place.

this baby girl is definitely going to come when she is ready & clearly isn't going to be influenced by full moon, new moon (tomorrow) theories, or low pressure theories as a result of weather i.e. earthquakes or hurricanes.  

patience

holy emotions!?!  one minute i am all smiles, completely content with knowing Addison is nestled away inside of me because she isn't ready & the next i am fighting back tears because i am ready, physically & emotionally. i was reminded by a co-worker yesterday that Addison is still right on time, it's still 5 days before her due date & 8 before september 1st, the very first due date i was given when my HCG level came back positive...she isn't even late. with every gasp of "she's still in there", "you still haven't had that baby", "we told you first time babies always come late", "you look like you are going to pop", "aren't you ready for that baby to come out", i have to bite my tongue, take a deep breath & smile, saying "she isn't ready yet...it isn't her time." i am really thankful for being reminded that she isn't even late. 

i find myself asking God to take hold of my emotions & tell Him that i am surrendering this completely to Him & 5 minutes later have a pessimistic attitude thinking she is never going to come, working myself up thinking "what if i have to be induced".  i am totally surrendering the anxiety & fear today though. i don't want to remember my last week of pregnancy having a miserable attitude, it's bad enough that i am so uncomfortable physically. i need to embrace this period of anticipation because it is something philip & i sought after for 3 years...we should be anticipating the birth of our daughter because we never even thought this moment would be possible. wow, how ungrateful i feel. 

i get daily scripture verses emailed to me & lately they have been getting turfed to my spam folder for some reason.  this morning as i was emptying my spam folder i noticed i had 2 emails that i had missed over the weekend & one of them was Romans 12:12  "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

i also read this, "Patience is not passive; on the contrary, it is active; it is concentrated strength. " Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton. 

i have to choose to be patient & i am choosing that today. 

unexpected ultrasound

we unexpectedly got to see addison today on ultrasound. my fundal measurements have been behind the last 3-4 weeks & there hasn't been any significant growth in my belly (i disagree with the belly growth as i have witnessed it blossom over the last 3-4 weeks). they wanted to make sure addison is thriving & my fluid levels are ok. 

she is extremely active & always has a great heartbeat at my weekly visits so it took us a little bit by surprise. especially because her size has been a question up until my 4D ultrasound & they reassured us that everything looked ok, she was developmentally exactly where she should be, she is going to be a tiny baby. 

at the last ultrasound she measured in the 34th percentile & they said she'd be about 6 lbs give or take a few ounces & everything looked great.

today she measured as if i was 36 weeks pregnant & in the 24th percentile & her estimated weight as of today was 6 lb 4 oz.  they said there is a margin of error of about plus or minus 1 lb & that she'd probably be in the 6 range.  totally correlated with last ultrasound.  they said there was great growth between the last 2 ultrasounds, organs look great & they aren't worried at all, reassuring us again that she is going to be a tiny baby.

i guess they tend to worry when babies aren't growing rapidly & look for things like failure to thrive & placenta damage, low fluid volumes, etc.  if any of those things seemed like a problem they would induce me now.  thankfully they did not pose any concern today.  they will check again next monday if i haven't had her by then.  (fingers crossed i have)

no changes in dilation, still hanging out at 1 cm. obviously since i was already 100% effaced there are no changes there.  she commented on how low addison is & said the only place left for her to go is out.....definitely explains the pelvic pressure & sacral pain. she also said that could be a factor in lack of change in my fundal height. 

she was still nestled up with her hands by her face, favoring my right side & of course wouldn't look at us.  it's amazing to see the changes from the last ultrasound & compare it to today's (we unfortunately didn't get a disc, as the ultrasound was for diagnostic purposes. allison, the tech, just rocks & let us see a glimpse of her). she has the sweetest lips & chubbiest cheeks.  ugh, i can't hardly stand the anticipation of meeting her!!!!

7 days until Addison

any day addison

monday's appointment was good.  those contractions i was feeling friday night definitely did some work.  i am 100% effaced, 1 cm dilated & addison is at station 0.  before leaving my appointment my OB said he was on call that particular night & wouldn't be surprised if he saw me in labor & delivery.  obviously he didn't.  he said that it could be any day because all my body has left to do is dilate & doesn't think i will make it until the 29th. i, am of course, totally ok with that.

it's weird because you would think i would be even more anxious about her coming but i am really not. i don't want to get my hopes up because every day she doesn't come feels like a disappointment.  i know she is going to come when she is ready & regardless of whether or not she comes early she will be here in 12 days! 

still no activity restrictions.  i took spin monday night & ran 3 miles yesterday & today. i am super energized which is good & i am sure my workouts have contributed to that. i have gained 23 lbs which is right where i should be.  i am still working three 12 hour shifts a week 11am-11pm.  i only have 2 more left this week.  

we have a pretty low key weekend & i am very much looking forward to that.