CONFESSIONS OF A LACTATING WOMEN

{DISCLAIMER: If the word BOOB or anything referring to boobs makes you uncomfortable...don't read my blog}

After I caught myself grabbing my boobs (totally not in a sexual way) but in a "oh my, they are full & there is going to be a mess soon" kind of way in the Target checkout line, I realized I had just grabbed my boobs in the Target check out line. It then led me to question in complete embarrassment, how many other times have I done that in public?! Then my mind wandered & got me thinking about all the silly, embarrassing, uncomfortable & sort of weird things that I have experienced over the last 2 months and truly how much my life has changed. There is no doubt that I am a new/first time mum...

First of all I have boobs! I have always been petite with an athletic build which means my chest has always been petite with an athletic build  in other words, flat chested.  This alone has been a new & exciting experience. Unfortunately these are not the kind of boobs I envisioned for myself!?! For probably for the first 3 weeks of Addison's life Philip would make fun of me because one was inevitably larger than the other & I walked around visibly lopsided...nice. Worst part is I didn't have a clue 1/2 the time.  Thankfully that has balanced out (mostly)! 
At various social functions we've been to where Addison has been given a bottle instead of breast I have felt a sense of panic as my top or dress grows tighter & tighter.  By the end of my cousin Aly's wedding my grandmother lovingly pointed out that was breasts were "heaving"...definitely a first in my life, my breasts have never been described as heaving, lol. 
They have almost become an accessory.  I used to plan my outfits around whatever shoes I wanted to wear or what purse I was in the mood to carry.  Now, there are a few things I take into consideration.  a) Will Addison be having a bottle while we are out & about (this brings much excitement because I can wear a "real" bra & not a nursing bra). I actually got super excited the other day because I found a leopard print nursing bra at Target b) how accessible will "they" be c) does my XS top even fit. They are quite pesky, not just from becoming engorged but they become like a leaky faucet at times. There is something about the sound of water running or taking a shower that seems to make it worse.  I have given Philip a laugh or two running down the hallway with the liquid gold streaming down my chest...gross! Which brings me to the fact that I refer to my breast milk as liquid gold in everyday normal conversation. Oddly lots of conversation has been replaced with talk of boobs, pumping & breastfeeding. What did I used to talk about?!

This brings me to communication in general. I have realized that I no longer communicate directly with Philip but but rather, through Addison. Almost passive-aggressively.  “Your daddy is tired because he "worked" today.  He got to play golf & eat an expensive dinner! What a hard day” in a cooing fashion while he sits next to me. Or how about constantly referring to Philip as daddy. I am totally becoming one of those people. Talking has pretty much been replaced by baby talk & songs. Oh yes, regularly break into random song. It's awesome because you can make just about ANYTHING a song:  "hi ho, hi ho, it's off to Target we go.", “patting the bum bum dry!”..."fluff, fluff, fluffy, fluff, fluff".  It can be a little embarrassing in the grocery store when the women next to you stares.  Aside from singing, I am constantly talking to myself...or at least I am sure it looks like it. I am sure at traffic lights people think I am crazy. 

Perfect segway to talking about crazy. Having a baby has made me totally crazy. I wake up breathlessly & terrified in the middle of the night cradling the air. I constantly wake up panicked, shaking Philip and asking him "where is the baby" when she is sleeping soundly. There has been a time or two Philip has run up the stairs to find me screaming in the shower because I just washed my face with shampoo instead of face wash & now my eyes are burning.  The other day I googled "what animal is tony the TIGER?".  I constantly hear crying/screaming that doesn't exist. I catch myself swaying from side to side while standing in line somewhere even when I don't have the baby in my arms or better yet not having the baby at all & doing it.

Some things bringing me excitement these days: Addison's smiles, making it through the day without spit-up in my hair or on my clothes, staying up past 9:30 pm, Addison pooping, Addison pooping on Philip, being able to take Addison just about everywhere, Zulily/the mini social/totsy & various other children's clothing websites.  

I really could write about this for days because in 2 months there have been so many of these breastfeeding blunders & "you know you're a new mom if" moments. 

  Addison has changed my life in the most spectacular way!